Today, I cry for what the pain prevents me from doing. Although there were improvements over the previous weeks, I still can’t accept the stillness taking over my body. This stillness won’t go away. I cry for the dance that used to make me sweat. I cry for all the work I had done on myself, over the past years, to get to the point where I could totally express myself, as I would.
Tears fall down when I think about mountains, when I am aware that even the smallest summits are goals too ambitious for my painful body. I already anticipate summer and the invitations I will have to turn down. I could bury my head in the sand, and cut everyone out, but I also anticipate the invitations my partner will get and will accept (with reason!), and that will make me face my sudden incapacity to live the adventure with my friends. Well, I know that this is all part of a fictitious future that only I anticipate.
I can’t quite grasp the meaning of my illness and why the healthy activities that made up my life are now forbidden. I let tears fall down and welcome my powerlessness and discouragement.
Welcoming, to me, means I open my heart and let go. It’s living with open arms.
With resistance, I start to open up to these activities that I can no longer do for now. I begin letting go of what I hold on to. I can’t fully let go yet, but I am working on it. At the center of this process, that I do not fully understand yet, I feel that everything happens for the better, and I allow myself to be filled with gratitude for all the daily joys, big or small.
I am grateful for…
The list could go on forever. Yes, every day I immerse myself in the present moment and in that moment I experience so much beauty. Osho’s words speak to me:
“If you allow the new to enter you will never be the same again, the new will transform you. It is risky. One never knows where you will end up with the new. The old is known, familiar; you have lived with it for long, you are acquainted with it. The new is unfamiliar. It may be the friend; it may be the enemy, who knows. And there is no way to know. The only way to know is to allow it; hence the apprehension, the fear.” Osho – Courage
My pain brings me to something new. A friend… an enemy… who knows. So I welcome the new, in the best way possible, to let myself be transformed.
Saturday 28 March Self-discovery, DéconversionLife StorySpirituality 0 Commentaires
I invite you to imagine this situation: you heard of a country where people believe the grass is purple, chickens are sacred animals and are convinced that polygamy is the sanest way to live.
Saturday 28 March Self-discovery, healthLife StoryNutrition 0 Commentaires
As long as I can remember, my beliefs have led me to trusting pharmaceutical medication when I get sick.
Wednesday 25 March Self-discovery, healthLife Story 0 Commentaires
On days when my pain is at its peak, I feel like I taste death. As if my experience is getting closer to that of those who see their life fade slowly...
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