From Stability to Instability

From Stability to Instability

In the article: “What changed inside me since my crisis” (French) : 

I had a perfect life: a husband with a good heart, a dream job, a wonderful home. And only two years after buying the house, I started to feel trapped. I loved it, but it was weighing me down. Over the previous years, I dreamed of traveling more, and living abroad for one year. Unfortunately, my life’s choices of that time did not allow for this dream to flourish. When I left, I started over.


In the first 6 months, I moved 5 times. I couldn’t sign a lease, that would mean committing to something, so I stayed at my best friend’s place, then at an old manager’s, then in Peru, then at my cousin’s, then I hiked mountains, etc. After moving so often, I learned that a lease could be ceased or sublet, and I decided to rent a small studio downtown with the strict minimum amount of furniture and material. My bed, a table, a couch, that’s it. I didn’t have much, but it was more than what was necessary. I wanted to live lightly, allowing me to seize every opportunity to travel in the medium term.


Professionally, I was unable to work in a field where I had to invest myself personally. So I worked at the cafeteria at the University of Sherbrooke. Woah, that humbled me… I, who had passed so many years in that cafeteria evangelizing, I was now washing tables and serving meals, and some people recognized me! “Aren’t you the one who made questionnaires on spirituality?” Difficult for the ego, but after all, I enjoyed that job.


I decided to go back to school to gain confidence to teach as a self-employed teacher. I did a certificate in modern languages, then I started a master’s in education, hoping a higher degree would help open doors abroad. In the middle of my first semester, I transfered to UQAR in psychosociology, following one of my professors’ advice.


Actually, I had what many would qualify as a perfect life: a loyal and loving husband, a wonderful home, a job made for me, a supporting community, two nice cats, a car… But when I faced my desires, those I was hiding from myself, I realized that it was not what I wanted in life. Adventure was – and always is – part of me and sadly, the life I was leading did not allow me to follow my internal calling.


Maybe I am still in this phase of wanting to be set free, but I know today that I still wish to live lightly. After one year in Mexico, my desires are sometimes contradictory: a desire to settle down and have my own comfortable place, but also a desire to not be tied down in a country, attached to my possessions. I feel that at the moment, I don’t have true stability in any areas of my life, but all is well as is. I have never lived so much in the present. But then again, what’s real stability?


When writing my memoir, I became aware of my relationship with molds, of my discomfort when there are constraints, and of what  flourishes inside me, pushing me in an unconventional path, equally in my professional, love and personal life. I dream of continuing to follow this missionary calling in my heart, but really differently, keeping me on an ever changing path. I also dream of living with less and trusting more. I dream of following my drive for freedom until the end.

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