Never would I have thought I would fall in love again so quickly. When my last relationship ended, I entered the single life with joy and I truly decided to stay single for over a year. I share more on that in this article.
Then, I started seeing a friend. A man I have known for several years and who I never imagined to be a potential lover. As the relationship evolved for days and weeks, I noticed some desires that I have not had for anyone for a long time: I wanted to cook for him, do him favors and tell him about my days.
I started to feel the desire for stability and exclusivity arise within me. I had been preaching freedom for over a year and all of a sudden I felt like I fell head over heels and I was betraying this freedom that was so dear to me.
“That’s it, I am going nuts. Something is not right. But WHERE do those desires come from??” My internal alarm system went off: NO, I can’t fall back in love.
Wait a minute. I “can’t” fall back in love? And why not, Melanie? Why not fall back in love?
Acknowledging this strong restriction, I took my journal, my pastels, my scissors and my self-discovery techniques. I went deep within, as I know how to do so well.
I sat comfortably, closed my eyes and imagined myself in a relationship. Then I connected with the physical sensations that manifested. I felt a knot in my throat. A solid bar passing through my solar plexus. Between the two, my breath was short, stuck. I cut out two doors (where the throat and plexus are), and I played with them; open…close…open…close…open…close. What did I feel was behind each door? I found deep sadness and severe judgement.
Around the word sadness, I wrote:
A GREAT sadness linked to impermanence. Losses, griefs. For not being able to count on anything or anyone. Fleet, instability…tears fall down my cheeks.
I recognize this sadness. It reminds me of my teens and the period I called the first explosion. It reminds me of the crisis I went through at the end of my twenties, which I experienced like a second great explosion. It reminds me of what life has taught me, sometimes brutally, that everything is ephemeral.
And around the word judgement, I write:
Too often, people get into relationships without truly aligning themselves. By fear of solitude, emptiness, loss of purpose. I do not wish to be part of them. Moreover, I do not believe in exclusivity, I don’t believe a relationship can last over time. If it’s not him who cheats on me, it’s I who will cheat on him. Not because I want to cheat, but I affirm this in total fatality, disillusion, resignation. Additionally, I fear separation and the hurt it causes. I am scared to lose someone important again. The more I write, the closer I get to sadness. Like a lasso, the judgment is wrapping around the sadness.
Through this exercise, I discover a great sadness, all choked-up by judgement.
I am touched by these emotions that I can access through Creative Journaling. I want to make space for them, welcome and heal them. To do so, I recognize them, then I continue to move towards this man. I stay sensible to the turmoil it causes in my body and my soul. I move ahead one day at a time, one small step at a time.
Because that’s life, no? One…step…at…a…time. It’ll be alright. Yes, it’ll be alright.
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